Too mad to be sorry

The following blurb was inspired by my 4-year-old nephew's behavior tonight at dinner. After being reprimanded for some petty discourtesy at the table, he huffed away to be alone outside. I put words to the essence of what he and I talked about when I went after him. I paraphrase, and elaborate, his feelings below: 

I don't feel like saying sorry. I still feel too mad to apologize and now that the damage has long been done it seems that reconciliation is pointless.
It'd be even more humiliating to have to humble myself to apologize this late after the fact. I don't feel like being around anyone when I feel this mad...and when others are mean to me. They're mean because I couldn't help myself from being mean too and now it's too late to make wrongs right. 

I'd rather sit outside and be alone in my meanness than sit and eat at the same table as you. 

It's too hard to say sorry. I don't want to show any weakness because you're just as mean as I am. Babies can't say sorry and they can't control their emotions and sometimes I am the same way, though I'm supposed to be a big boy now. It's just too hard to say I am sorry when I feel this way. I'd rather scowl and growl and look mean. I want to glare you away so that I don't have to confront the face of the one I've wounded. 

I'm going to sit on this curb and stew in my rage. 

I won't bother you, and you shouldn't bother me. Just let me be alone in this place. Leave me be. I'd rather not be reminded of the selfishness within me by having you trying to reach out and reel me in. I don't want to be wanted by you. I want you to affirm the meanness in me and so justify my actions to exile myself from loving company. It's too hard to remain in selfless peacefulness with others, so I'll stay on this curb outside and I'll watch my family eat a meal without me. I'll do all of this because I can't say sorry. I'm too mad to be sorry. 

I had to write this out because what he was sharing was so simply raw and true. I'm supposed to be a big boy too, but I still act like a baby at times. It reminded me that when we fail to admit our faults we're choosing to be separate from one another in a world of self-imposed exile. I suspect that all misunderstanding, hurt, division, and pain in our world comes as a result of proud hearts gone rogue. 

We seek a lonely curb instead of forgiveness.  

...ramble on...

1 comment:

  1. I'm pretty sure I've had that same conversation with God before. You can really learn something from the little ones.