...and by stuff you know I mean shit. It keeps on coming.
This is an incredibly bleak and depressing way to begin a new post, but it's too fitting to write it any other way. I'm not going to sugarcoat anything for you raw-truth-seeking readers. I hope the truth comes in equal portions to the rawness, but rawness may overwhelm. You've been warned.
I've been waiting for time to pass and allow me to decompress, filter and process through all of the changes and surprises that life has been bringing me as of late, but there hasn't been any let-up, so I feel like it's now or never.
This is me tidying up as the shit keeps flying.
A waste of time? Perhaps, but it may humor me, or you, and that's worth a laugh, and a laugh is worth more than money because, let's face it, our money's not really worth that much anyways these days.
I've had a song stuck in my head lately that's basically a crying out to God over how much we need Him. It's so lame that I only sing these kinds of songs with real conviction when I'm getting pummeled by life. I'm sorry for that. I've been singing it more and more because I am not getting relief anywhere else. Again, it's lame that I go everywhere else before I cry out to God for help. I'm sorry for that. But there's this prodding and luring that's happening inside of me that's bringing me towards God right now that is so intriguing because His way is not my way. My way sucks, and while I'm not totally sure what His way involves, I like that it remains mysterious and exciting. Mystery and excitement sound much more interesting than being predictably secure in the rut of my own comforts.
I know that God let's us have free will, and I'm grateful for that, I think. It'd be a lot easier if He just showed us what was best and then made us do it. Instead, He coaxes and prompts and intrigues and fills us with longing for more than what we are and have. I'm forever longing.
It's frustrating that we're given a choice to choose a life that's filled with anything less than the very best life He wants to give. It's frustrating that He asks us to crucify ourselves with Christ so that we can have life in Christ. And if we don't willingly crucify ourselves, then life presents plenty of shit storms to bring us to our knees.
I was just thinking about how it required Roman soldiers to nail Jesus to the cross. Jesus willingly submitted himself to death, but he didn't kill himself. He allowed himself to be killed and then the soldiers finished him with nails, the cross and a spear.
I was just pondering the possibility that we might be in a similar situation as Jesus was. If, and when, we submit obediently to God's way, which isn't yet total death to our self, we're agreeing to embark on a journey that will end with us being completely dead so that Christ can be completely alive. I started asking myself then, who are the Roman soldiers in reference to my death sentence? Where are my nails? Who's putting me on my cross daily? Who's holding the spear? Essentially, I've been asking where the instruments of my "death-to-self" are coming from.
In Jesus' situation it's obvious what killed him, but in our "death-to-self situation" life can either crucify us, or harden us like hell.
Asking these questions has helped me to contextualize this shit that keeps hitting the fan.
All of these changes, all of this hurt, all of these set-backs, all of the bad choices I've made can either help me die even more to my self or get really pissed that things aren't going my way. And it's my way that brought me here in the first place.
Thanks for reading. I feel a lot better.